nostalgic…

July 24, 2010

always the strong one… this is sort of like an impromptu post. at the time this is written, im playing “Heaven Sent” by Keyshia Cole. I’m having one of those moments where i think i miss love? it never really lasts long and i feel different once I wake up…back to my strong self. probably because once i have these moments, i remember why i treat people and how i treat myself with others the way i do now… like a business. once you’ve been hurt, some part of you dies. seriously. i just take it a lot more serious than others, it’s like, once you let your guard down because you know the potential in relationships and the success rate. you feel like an idiot, you’re tricked. like look at me, i’ve found someone different, someone not like the rest. someone where there is no rest. someone, heaven sent. i feel, once someone finds true love, whether it lasts or not. that person changes a part of you, or maybe all of u… like Keyshia Cole sang “everything you used to say, everything you used to do, went right out the door.” sometimes they change you for the better… or often, worse. bitter…angry…frustrated…guarded. i feel life’s biggest obstacle isn’t the pursuit of happiness, but the challenge of love. loving another woman, another man. giving them that key to your vulnerability. allowing them to hurt you. you have to do that in order to be in love. otherwise you aren’t. it’s crazy man… so. so. SO, crazy. *sighs…. if you’ve been hurt before, to where it took a toll… listen to “Invisible by Jennifer Hudson”.
you’ll feel an epiphany.

closer to you.

July 18, 2010

succombing to every man that you come in contact with? …not cool. stalking, clinging, overcrowding. destiny’s child said it best, no one like a bug-a-boo. no one. have you ever met someone who suffers from any one or more of these symptoms:

always having to be in a relationship
uses boyfriend or girlfriend as a trophy
in LOVE with EVERYONE they date
in love in 2 weeks or less, always

the last quality you’d probably think they have is low self-esteem. but many times, this is exactly the problem. they don’t truly love themself as a person. and we’ve all heard that in order to truly love someone else, you’ve got to love yourself first. be comfortable in your own skin. be proud of yourself. otherwise you’ll find yourself always with someone different, because you make something out of nothing. i see this a lot among females. they cling to their boyfriend and the boyfriend pushes them to the side. when they come across a guy that actually gives them the attention, love, and admiration that they deserve, they run. or don’t treat that loving significant other as they should. why? deep down. they’re intimidated, they’d rather be dogged out. all their friends tell them that they deserve better, and those same friends sit and wonder why they never listen. its simply because within, they don’t feel like they do. so instead they’re rundown with emotional abuse or giving themselves up sexually or selling themselves short, consistently due to low self-worth. it’ll take a long time before they feel the wrath and/or get a grip. you need to love yourself first, it’s mandatory, then that love will quietly bring itself along. and you, yourself, will not think of that person as a savior, but as an addition.

familiar. accustomed. whorish. freaky… we want love.

the love we thought we needed or wanted is a lot of times right in front of us, yet we’d rather add 3 extra people to the list of people we’ve dated. a bunch of transitory relationships, nothing of any substance, value or meaning to our lives. heartfelt at the moment, yes. because lust has taken over. but once WE’RE over with that person, explain that feeling you get. lonely, empty, unfulfilled? see, we may even sometimes come across someone who will jump out and say “aww you and (insert name here) would look SOO cute together”, …you reply “girl thats like my family”. but that family holds your hand on movie night when you’re too scared during nightmare on elm street. he also chumps each nigga off that breaks your heart. AND he’s also the first person you call when you need help with something.

then you ask, well what do i want in a husband or wife?
you reply with all these qualities that describe that “friend”.

choose love, follow your heart, and not your head sweetie.

take a listen to Natasha Bedingfields’s “Soulmate”. …no, just look up the lyrics.

single.

May 12, 2010


i stated in my last post that i blame me not being in a relationship on my ex.

true.
but i also use it as my way to heal, reflect, and set an example.
i’m surrounded by women, whether at home, a photoshoot, the foundation, no matter what, i got bitches (lmao, love <3). i have 1 friend who continuously cries to me (i'm not complaining) about look who has broken her heart now. I don't really feel bad about it anymore, no matter how many tears shes shed, or how the new "he" broke her heart this time around. over and over again, i tell her, sometimes is best to be single. not saying to be a whore or do whatever you want, …but to get yourself together. when you're always in a relationship, you get used to it. so when you're single, either one of two things happen.
1. You fall in love with the single life, and become this huge bachelor, or bachelorette (sugar-coated version of a whore).
2. OR, you get lonely and jump into the next thing smokin’.
well this friend of mine STAYS TRUE to the 2nd option. Whether man or woman, when you find yourself needing to be in a relationship… that’s not good. duhh rite? …i mean what point are you trying to prove? that you can always pull ’em?
sit back and think if this is you. how much time do you usually spend single, in-between relationships? 2 weeks? ..always? like brenda from Scary Movie 1 said “she don’t love haself!” LMAO, i love that part. but you really don’t, needing someone to make you feel complete means you’re not comfortable in your own skin, you don’t think you’re as beautiful, as handsome, or as sexy as you put on a facade to be do you? you can’t sit in a room filled with just you and a tv, and feel at peace. you’ve gotta have a title of ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. as hard as it to believe, you don’t love yourself. until you spend enough time alone, single, to where when someone comes along, you feel as though you don’t need them, then you won’t have a successful relationship, it’ll either fail, or be so filled with arguments, that you’ll want to end it. when you feel as though a person can only be a help, and not a determining factor in your life, then you can move to the relationship stage. who gives a fuck if all your friends are coupled up. so what? and if you’re a Christian, and you have this problem, i’m no judge, angel, or disciple, but you’ve got soul-searching. Jesus is my father, mentor, my all. i speak with him all day, on a daily basis. it’s just me and him out here together. yeah it’d be nice if i could have a physical person, loving me, spending time. but He knows whats good for me, what i want, who i want, what i need, and what we’ve discussed.

exes and such.

May 7, 2010


I’m single, and that’s strictly by choice. My best friend always tells me I’m going to die lonely. If I do, so be it. I won’t be depressed because its not like no one wants me. Not the case at all. Like many of us, I’ve had my heart broken before. Just once. that’s because I’m too controlling to let it happen again. I have “crushes”, I just don’t act on them. I party at home, or at friends houses mostly. If I’m at a club its because of an exclusive invite. I don’t put myself in the situation to reject people, aka clubs. Last time I dated someone, exclusively was last year (2009)… that wasn’t when my heart was broken, the reason why we broke up was because that person (my ex) is constantly on the road, pursuing their dream, making things happen. We both are.

I do blame me being single on the ex that broke my heart though, it literally took me 6 months to get over it. We broke up over THE most stupid reason, basically my smart mouth. I’m like what the hell. Long story short, we were together for a year, honey, we did EVERYTHING right, waited 4 months for sexual relations. My ex told me that they loved me after just one month, I wasn’t in love, so I especially waited to move to the sexual stage. I’m like to make sure you ain’t just saying that, we gonna take this shit slow. For real.

Anyway, I don’t advise someone to go and shut down their love life, all because of an ex. I’m like, look at them they aren’t worrying about you, so why should you halt things because of them? Let me let you know one thing. I was so hurt over the break up. I wanted to shoot someone. I wanted to do so much sabotaging to where their life was going to be a living hell. Did I do it? No. Why? Jesus. He did it for me, take a look at this.

I don’t date at all, …why? Too much baggage & work for me.

My ex. Dates like hell, in my eyes, is boy crazy. And now is always in love. I call it, a serial lover. Always IN LOVE with someone new.

Back to me. You’d think I would be bitter and jealous, like how the hell can they keep finding love, when I’m the victim? …wrong.

My ex. Always in love right? Yep. Always breaking up and getting their heart-broken. Yep yep. You see, I’d much rather get my heart-broken once, by one person, then to always find my self in love, and look back on New Years Eve like, wow, I got my shit broken 8 times this year.

Haha, honey there’s this bad ass bitch out there, …and her name is Karma.

the ATL situation.

May 6, 2010

Everyday I realize more and more that women nowadays are helplessly single, especially in Atlanta. Here’s one factor I observed.

Sex: rappers and wanna-bes. Anyone who lives here knows that a nigga is either a rapper or “about to get signed”… they get their exterior down pat with a wrist piece, chains, and whatever is the hottest trend in urban fashion to wear. Whether its Polo Ralph Lauren, American Eagle Outfitters, True Religion, …whatever the fad, its being worn. This is just partial bait for luring pussy. The other half is the talk, blah blah blahhh about who they know and who they’re about to be signed to. The shit that infuriates me is that like NO ONE does traditional relationships anymore (generally speaking). I mean its ALL about  pussy to these men, nothing more. Now, it seems that more and more they don’t even put in the time to even get it. Once they see your not about to just GIVE it up, they go bye bye. I mean in my opinion, the way niggas are nowadays, I’m like you might as well charge. Because they sell u a dream of this perfect relationship, or companionship. Then they fuck you, and end of story. Ignoring calls/texts, no returning of phone calls, just basically hit it and quit it. Sadly its even THE BADDEST bitches *no offense* that it happens to, there’s no exception. Then if they do call you back, it’s a booty call to where they give you an excuse and try to make you feel bad for cussing them out, with lines like “why u doin’ me like that?” …all the way up until they get you back over there, get you wet, get their dick wet, and its hasta la vista! SO… you tell me, would you rather get fucked *literally* and come out looking stupid, or come out paid. I mean I’m not a female but I know that it has to hurt to be continuously bamboozled. Sometimes it doesn’t even happen like that, they might even put in time to get it, and the woman thinks when they do “put it down”, he ain’t gonna have no choice BUT to stay around. Wrong honey, so I advise you to beat them at their own game… that doesn’t mean matching them by using them just for sex, hell, that’s what they want. And I’m also not saying to go around selling pussy. When he approaches you same night you meet him about sex, or just acting like he wants sex, hit him with, it ain’t free. If he acts like “hell you talkin’ about, I don’t pay for pussy”… say, and “I don’t do handouts, bye.” if he wants it enough, and he’s really who he says he is (this NEW, HOT rapper) he’ll pay. The tough girl role can also come into play, you should know by now NOT to give it up, no matter how good he looks, or how good he’s talking… he’ll respect you, and if he has his head on straight, he may even go along for the ride. HOLD OUT! Don’t even think about fucking him, no matter how lonely you get one night. You better call up an ex who has some good dick. That way you can make him KNOW you, and hopefully love you. But using this method, you can’t always expect a good outcome, you can pull a Joan (from TV show Girlfriends) and make him wait 3 months, but depending on where he’s at in his life, he may still hit it and quit it. If he does, at least you’ll know that you’ve done everything in your power to keep him around. Now back to the Atlanta situation. Then if he doesn’t continue dating you after the first night, you at least will walk out of the deal with some good money. Whereas if you never mentioned money, never asked for it and you let him hit, and he doesn’t call you again, you’re left with a little less dignity, same amount of money in you’re pocket or less, and repeatedly saying in your head “I really liked his ass, niggas ain’t shit.” be smart, don’t think of it as being a hoe, or PLEASE don’t go as far as a prostitute, they only with you for one thing, so uhhh… sweetie, you know the rest. As you can see, I have my own opinion, as do all of us…